Today we spent the day in Madison. We ran errands all morning and our last stop before lunch was the hospital. The four of us went to St. Mary's to drop off a gift card to the NICU, similar to what Derek did for Christmas. Sure for Mother's Day I'd love this and that but do I really need those things? Those mommy's in the NICU need to know that even strangers like us care about them and are praying for their babies to be home happy and healthy just like we've been blessed with. Traveling back sure was anxiety filled. I've been back to the hospital three times since Nolan was discharged in October and the same emotions and feelings come over me each time. This nervous, gut-wrenching, sickening feeling that I had the very first day I went to the hospital to learn that I'd be staying until I had a baby. The same feeling I had when the doctors and nurses came into labor and delivery that first night when they thought there could possibly be an infection and the explained all of the "what ifs" and my head started spinning. The same feeling I had when I found out how long I could be there on bedrest knowing that I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with Tessa as I would have hoped before baby #2. The same feeling I had the night before he was born. The same feeling I had when he was born and he looked and sounded perfect and when we went to see him he was "complaining" and it was heartbreaking to see my little guy that came out screaming like a mad-man struggling to take the tiniest breaths. The same feeling I had leaving the hospital without him. The same feeling I had when we thought he would be coming home in a few days only to learn it would be at least five more.
For some reason today this feeling came back just as it has the last two times I've been back to the hospital since bringing Nolan home. Looking back I know that the situation should not have been that stressful. I had to stay in the hospital for one month (big whoopy) and Nolan had to spend just over one month in the hospital in the NICU (once again...really not that big of a deal looking back). Why does it cause me so much anxiety to go back? I don't know. I never will. Maybe because I know how lucky we are and that everyone isn't as lucky as us. I feel guilt because of this and that definitely could be where some of this anxiety comes from.
Today we did the walk from the car to the NICU that I could do with my eyes closed. To get to the NICU we need to walk past the room that I referred to as my apartment for one month, room 2130. I would also like to share that the fountain is still not completed (the last picture below)...thank goodness:) We thought for sure that this beautiful fountain/garden that they started shortly after I was in the hospital was going to be finished before I was discharged. Sure enough it wasn't done yet!
Happy Mother's Day.
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